SUUSI Bystander Intervention Training

Over the last several years, the Southeast Unitarian Universalist Summer Institute (SUUSI) community has been grappling with some hard truths: Western Carolina University has said that due to negative past behaviors of SUUSI attendees, this will be the last year they will host SUUSI unless things change, and members of SUUSI have also pointed out harmful oppressive behaviors and norms within SUUSI, particularly around racism and transphobia.

In order for SUUSI to continue, the community has to deepen its engagement with the SUUSI covenant and take collective responsibility for practicing it and returning to it when we break our promises. This year, SUUSI attendees are being invited (and counted on) to intervene when someone says or does something that doesn’t align with our values.

The 90-min training video below, led by Alex Kapitan and Teo Drake of the Transforming Hearts Collective, is designed to help you:

  • Get grounded in the spiritual practice of being an active bystander

  • Understand how culture operates and how all of us are responsible for ensuring that SUUSI’s culture reflects its values

  • Learn what gets in the way of being an active bystander and what helps

  • Learn five different strategies for intervention

  • Practice intervening in two hypothetical situations

  • Get tips for caring for yourself when you are harmed and responding well when you are intervened with

After watching the video, be sure to scroll down for resources, homework, and helpful phrases you can use when you are a bystander, when you experience harm, and when you are invited back into covenant.

 
 

Resources

Resources to accompany the above training:

Bonus resources:

Homework

Reflect:

  • What strengths do you bring to the spiritual practice of bystander intervention?

  • What skills can you commit to using? What skills are a stretch for you but you want to learn more and/or try them?

  • What is your social location and proximity to power?

Recruit buddies:

  • Find an accountability buddy you can talk with during SUUSI

  • Talk about bystander intervention with others at SUUSI

 
 

Helpful phrases

Phrases we can use as bystanders:

  • Hey, can I talk to you for a minute over there?

  • Hi, it sounds like you’re having trouble, is there anything I can do?

  • What you are saying/doing doesn’t feel in keeping with our SUUSI covenant.

  • Hey, _____ is part of our SUUSI covenant. It’s sometimes hard, but this is something we’ve all agreed to practice by being here. [e.g., trusting that SUUSI leaders are striving to make the best decisions for our community, accepting people’s pronouns and identities without question or judgment, offering appreciation and kindness to campus staff]

  • It sounded like you just said _____. Is that really what you meant?

  • I need you to know how what you just said/did landed with me.

  • What you are saying/doing could feel crummy/unwelcoming/hurtful to [particular folks].

  • I don’t think what you are saying/doing best represents Unitarian Universalism.

  • I trust that when you said/did _____, you didn’t intend any harm, but I’m concerned that others will experience it as harmful, and part of our SUUSI covenant is to own that the impact of our words and actions is more important than our intentions.

In the moment or after some settling, invite the person to talk further (with you or someone else) about the potential impacts of their words/actions, how you hope they will change their behavior, and/or what repair could look like.

Phrases we can use when we are feeling harmed:

  • I need to stop you right there.

  • What you just did/said isn’t okay with me.

  • I’m having a strong reaction to that and I need to let you know why.

  • You might not realize this, but you’re talking about me / my family / my community.

  • I need to leave the room if _____ [conversation/behaviors] continues in this way.

  • I need you to talk about this with someone else who can help you understand how what you just said/did was harmful.

If you are feeling harmed, the most important thing is your care. You may want to take a break, find someone who can be with you, do whatever will help your spirit.

Phrases we can use when we are being invited back into covenant:

  • Thank you for taking the risk to talk to me about this.

  • I’m sorry that something I did or said had a harmful impact. I hear you and I’m going to sit with this and reflect on what you’ve shared with me.

  • Oof. You’re right. What do you think I can do to practice repair in this moment?

  • I’m feeling really defensive right now. Can you wait with me for a moment while I breathe, so I can better receive what you’re sharing with me?

  • Thank you for this. I am going to process what you shared with me with my accountability buddy / connection circle.

There is no shame in taking a moment; it’s better to take a breath rather than responding unskillfully. Always default to pausing, so that you can intentionally respond rather than knee-jerk reacting. Remember that we can always begin again in love.

 

Note: For those of us whose identities and experiences give us closer proximity to power and privilege, it’s important to sit with the difference between discomfort and harm. It’s never easy to be called back into covenant, but that’s not the same thing as being harmed. Discomfort and hurt feelings are temporary and don’t threaten our well-being, whereas harm means being negatively physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually impacted.